Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Go inside and play

My daughter thinks I need to get a life. Well, she knows I have a life but she’s worried that it’s dull, dull, dull. So, in order to spice it up, she discovered the perfect gift for my birthday, an adult PC device. I kid you not. My intended gift is neither politically correct nor a personal computer. Instead, the Kegelcisor is everything a single woman could wish for. It’s sturdy and solid and shiny and sleek. Frankly, I’d rather have a new sports car.

My intended gift sits on display at select and discreet and not-so-discreet websites for the adult shopper. Don’t waste your time - you won’t find this puppy at Wal-Mart. But you will find it keeping company with rabbits, rock lobsters, eggs, wands and harnesses: a veritable potpourri of silicone, stainless steel, chrome, rubber and the ever popular pink Lucite (better things through chemistry). Did I mention the power supplies? Double AA and triple AAA and watch batteries along with cordless wonders and the live-on-the-edge 110v superchargers. Oops, I apologize, my intended gift is an old-fashioned manual model. I just got carried away. Aside from the Kegelcisor, my favorite item is the mini-combination flashlight-keychain-vibrator. A brilliant idea, don’t leave home without one.

It’s quite mind boggling to even consider the prospect of receiving a rock lobster or a Kegelcisor as a gift. There’s always the delicate question: If it doesn’t fit, can I take it back for a refund? According to the daughter, the answer is yes. However, since the online information reassures that you can establish the right fit by “experimenting with cucumbers”, that should hardly be necessary. I also like the way the stores support self-initiative. One goes so far as to say: “If you want something done right, do it yourself.” Gosh, they are very friendly and encouraging.

I guess my daughter means well. And, heaven knows, I spent over an hour tonight checking out the many colors and models and perky accessories but none of them seemed to thrill me as much as other forms of entertainment; for instance, throwing a bowling ball down the lane and making a 7-10 split. Wow, the feeling I get from that is just so, so … let’s say it tickles my fancy. And then there’s the world of art. Hmm, turn me loose in a museum and let me gaze upon a Georgia O’Keeffe painting and, before you know it, I get this tingly sensation up and down my … and, finally, horseback riding. Sitting in the saddle on a long bumpy trail ride ranks right up there for seat-of-the-pants excitement.

So, yes, I’ll pass on the intended gift. Jenn said they couldn’t engrave my bowling nickname on it anyhow. Such a shame. “Ball buster” would look so awesome etched in stainless steel.

19 comments:

margalit said...

Root beer just went up my nose and out onto the monitor. Jenn's post was funny, your post was funnier. What is that girl thinking?

Happy Birthday. Happy NORMAL, non sex toy by your daughter birthday.

geogirl said...

Speaking of mental images...

Thanks to you and your daughter I won't be able to look MY mother in the eye for months...and she'll have no idea why!!

Happy B-Day Mater!!

Mills said...

Isn't it just wonderful that our daughters realize we are more than just mothers....we are people,too! But my gosh!............hehehe, Happy Birthday

Don't even worry about using that Keglesqueezer...just keep bowling.

Jenn said...

Oh my gosh, TOO FUNNY! Okay, I'll hold off on the Kegelcisor and buy you an Art Museum membership. Or a new bowling shirt. Ball Buster! Ha! I was so off base -- I thought they called you Lainie...

Happy Birthday, sweet Mama!

katieface said...

Happy Birthday, Polish Mamma!!

BTW...you aren't telling the WHOLE truth...we know you are more intrigued than you let on :)! I agree with you on the Kegelsizer, though. Not much fun. Let your sweet, innocent, Catholic D-I-L talk to you about things. We'll find you a good present!

xoxo
katieface

Goslyn said...

ROFL Mater. "Ball buster" ha ha ha ha hoo hoo. Whee. Wiping away tears. Wonderful response to the birthday gift post. Happy birthday, by the way.

w.o.p.d. said...

I can't wait to show these posts to MY mother. You two would get along famously! Have a wonderful birthday!

Neurotic Mom said...

Happy Birthday, let us know how you enjoy your gift ahahahahaha

Contrary said...

I will never look at a cucumber the same way again. ('Would like cucumber in your salad, Ma'am?' 'Would I like what in my what?? Get me the manager!')

Happy Birthday, Ball Buster!

Antique Mommy said...

I guess re-gifting a Kegelsizer is out of the question too.

geogirl said...

So...how do you use the flashlight if it's.....

Oh forget it. I don't want to know.

Debby said...

Have a wonderful birthday Mater!

Ballbuster - love it - mine says Bitch.

I told your daughter to give you a gift certificate to Adam and Eve or some such site and let you go wild on your own. I felt you were perfectly capable of making your own choice.

toyfoto said...

Ok. ... This is where the writing talent eminates, I am sure. What a laugh-riot.

Neurotic Mom said...

The Mater must be too busy with her new gift to do any posting LMAO

mom on a wire said...

Ball buster! Ah hahahahahahaha! I am dying. You are hilarious!

The Mater said...

Alas, real life has intervened and deadlines and student appointments are keeping me quite busy - not the Kegelcisor, nm :>)

Hope to be back online soon! Thanks for stoppin' by, y'all.

Janice (5 Minutes for Mom) said...

"Oh my word" was all I could think as I read your daughters post about this unusual gift. What a relationship you have!
Ball buster - too good - or should I say bad...

Lou said...

ball buster- ha ha ha ha ha

The perfect response. truly!

John said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.