Friday, July 27, 2007

The real thing

As I've mentioned, I gained a few pounds this winter and they are really dragging me down, physically and emotionally. My clothes are screaming at me, "fashion abuse", as buttons pop and zippers strain. Well, it's not quite that bad but remember my family motto? Never let truth get in the way of a good story.

I've got to find a way to shed a few pounds.

Plan A (which I did last summer with a home-delivery diet meal plan) didn't seem to work. My checkbook lost weight, not me.

I never got to Plan B when I moved as the new job and dark chocolate in the secretary's desk drawer kept me occupied and quite content during my first New England winter. I convinced myself that dark chocolate was every bit as important as Lipitor in maintaining a healthy heart. See? Never let truth get in the way of self-gratification. Denial and dark chocolate are such compatible bedfellows.

Now I have to worry about my girlfriends. The latest research suggests that your friends determine your weight. They are a bigger influence than family and neighbors. Your friend can live miles away but, if she puts on a few pounds, rest assured that you're more than likely to add an extra dress size to your wardrobe too. It must be some kind of soul-food sisterhood connection. Be careful of the friends you keep.

And then there's the whole get-out-there-and-move-your-butt requirement. I like to exercise my mind much more than my body. This is a problem. I did find my groove a couple years ago but then lost my pedometer on the streets of London. Can't walk without my pedometer. What fun is walking if you can't see the instant results of your efforts? I liked that little gadget translating my steps into calories burned but I haven't budgeted for a new one yet. So, I have not budged it much. I sit at the computer and do stuff like this or write sci-fi romance fics. Appalling, isn't it. When it comes to escapism versus exercise, you know where my vote lies.

Which brings me back to the topic at hand. I've gained weight and am fed up (pardon another pun) with all the many weight-loss miracle cures. I've decided to part company with the high-carb, low-protein, low-carb, high-protein, daily calorie-counting diets and their gurus. It just takes too much effort and too little positive payback. At my age, I'm not looking to shove myself back into a bikini. The glory days of youth are over. I'd just like to buy a smaller bra.

I'm going for the quick fix, the sure thing. And I think I've found it, thanks to a medical friend of mine. I don't know her dress size and will not ask. Why spoil a great relationship? She has shared what may be the Holy Grail of dieting.

I can lose weight easily and on my own. I can stop adding to the profit margin of the weight-loss industry. You can join me, girlfriend!

Here, for the first time ever, is the Mater's fool-proof plan for losing weight.


High-protein all the way. Make sure you add a piece of dark chocolate to balance out the carbs.

I'm all for a well-balanced diet.

8 comments:

Jenn said...

I like the EAT EAT EAT approach, myself...

velocibadgergirl said...

ROFL!!

My boss and I are putting together a science exhibit about parasites, and that ad is on our panel about tapeworms. :D

Let me know how your new diet plan works out. If it goes well, maybe we can add you to the exhibit as a case study!

slouching mom said...

Ewwwwwwww.

geogirl said...

But...all my friends are skinnier than I am! Wait, does that mean *I'm* the bad influence?

Well, you know what they say. If you can't be a good example at least serve as a horrible warning! :-)

(ps- I just sent you an e-mail. Hopefully it works)

doow said...

Uuugh! *closes browser window and runs off*

jenniwd said...

Gee Mater does this mean I will have to stay away from you when I come to the NW Corner? Please say we can walk while we talk.

I think the study results all have to do with acceptance (excellent), which can easily spill over into mutual what-the-hell indulgence (not always excellent). Yes?

The Mater said...

Ah, jenniwd, we can walk and talk for sure. BTW, how many calories does girfriend-talking burn up ? Has anyone ever done a study? LOL, I promise not bring any dark chocolate in my backpak.

geogirl said...

So...how does one "sanitize" a tapeworm anyway.

Ew!